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Feeling again

Days like today, I feel like I might be a little bit of a masochist, but it's not that simple, is it ever?

I'm not. I don't like pain, but I don't shy away from it either. Not if it's the growing pains caused by change.

After a long-term relationship, - twenty years to be exact - which ended with a tenderness that felt like nostalgia, I had to settle to the end of another relationship which was hurting me.

The first relationship was a romantic one in which I stopped feeling happy, or sad, or angry, and became numb.

A year later, almost to the day, I went through the second break-up. A friendship, until I realize my friend - I'm dying to put the word in quotes, but it would be insulting and unfair to both of us - didn't share, nor understand loyalty or boundaries. Or respect.

Writing about this in the past tense holds its own bitter sweetness.

The only feeling that keeps me from spiraling into loneliness, is the little bubble grounded deep inside me that found its voice and says, "You're all right, you're good. It'll hurt for a while, but this was necessary."

So, even if I'm left bereft, and a little dazed, I'm also happy because I can feel all of it.

And that's something, isn't it?

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